Lazy Daze

This year has been a miracle. Since switching back to my old friend, Crizotinib, I have been feeling much like my old self. I practice yoga most days, sleep well, don’t require anxiety meds, and mostly importantly, my lungs are working. It’s such a blessing to have working lungs. I’m able to go up and down stairs, take my dog on walks, and many other seemingly routine activities that we take for granted. My only physical complaint is that my taste buds and olfactory receptors are fried, so everything I cook tastes and smells like garbage. Even the smell of my pantry and fridge are repulsive (to me and no one else).  It’s really interfering with my love of food, but I try to focus on the silver lining that I can now fit into my 2016 jeans. Wohoo.

With this newfound freedom from my disease, I purchased a house that I am completely in love with, I resumed teaching yoga (almost finished with my teaching qualifications), and have been relearning what it means to exist without daily hospital contact and every-three-week (or even more frequent) scans.

While I am infinitely grateful for this new lease on life, it comes with a lot of pressure to make every day count. And since I am out of practice with this free and normal lifestyle, it is increasingly difficult to achieve anything on a daily basis that might pass as ‘normal’, especially for a 34 year old.

I have a lot of plans that I dream of implementing: creating a youtube yoga channel for cancer patients; becoming more involved with the ROS1ders; taking Floxie to different parks and play dates; writing in this blog weekly; seeing my friends more frequently; and reading for fun. Unfortunately, I am finding it extremely difficult to motivate and focus. Right now I feel most inspired to simply be. To get up in the morning and transition from my amazing new bed to my perfect couch. To sip on my tea and cuddle Flox for hours. To indulge in watching the Bachelor.

You might ask … then why don’t you stick with that? Well, is that really making every day count?

I am curious about others’ thoughts on the balance between relaxation, motivation, and achievement. Is there a respectable quota for either? Is it and should it be different for cancer patients who otherwise feel well?

Do tell…

6 thoughts on “Lazy Daze

  1. linnea11

    Love that you are going to be writing more and of course love your description of where your life is at. Let it unfold in the way that feels natural. There is no pressure. xoxo

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  2. Amy Wendell

    Thank you for sharing your journey so openly and honestly with us all. I feel strange commenting on your question, as I have no real “reason” I can pinpoint re: why I struggle with motivation and productivity, but nevertheless I do. I think it’s a human thing. I have really tried to practice self-compassion (love me my selfcompassion.org free guided meditations!) and acceptance when it comes to the quieter periods, and have come to think of them as winter in a way. Winter is a time for slowing and hunkering down, for going inward, to get quiet and listen and rest. It is a necessary process, so that spring and “productivity” can flourish. And while it may appear on the outside as though nothing is “happening” there are miraculous and essential processes happening way down deep below the earth’s surface. I believe that happens for us too. So, all this is to say I support your listening to your body and psyche, and allowing yourself to find the beauty and joy in slowing down and being present with rest. ❤

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    1. Oak Lungs

      Thank you so much for this. It’s oddly comforting to hear this might just be a ‘human thing’. I’ve honestly lost sight of what stems from cancer and what is just an innate struggle. I’ll definitely check out those mediations – thank you!

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  3. Leslie Gross

    So happy to read this post. The taste bud thing sucks. I can’t drink water without flavoring it and I loved water! Now the unflavored taste like musty poop. I am able to eat for enjoyment not just nourishment.

    The focus this is real. Trama, chemo, or in my case lots of general sedation. One of my immunosuppressants messes with my taste but it’s bearable.

    Give yourself a break. If there are things you’re passionate about and WANT to do, go for it. Otherwise spending time with Flox seems good to me. Don’t glorify busy. Energy is precious and spending time with friends is a pretty perfect use of your energy.

    “A clean house is a sign of a misspent life”
    Not original but I love it, and you.

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    1. Oak Lungs

      Wow, this is so weird. Musty poop is pretty accurate for my taste buds too. I agree that trauma and chemo brain are probably affecting my focus. It’s quite difficult to hunker down and read something all the way through. But, you’re right, business shouldn’t be glorified. Thanks for the tips 🙂

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